Resolution.

Holding resolute that I can create my life to be in alignment with who I am and how I function is proving at times to be challenging. It feels most natural to apply strategies, tips and tricks to mould myself into a “functioning” human. I place this word in quotation marks as “functioning” is a concept weighted down with social conditioning. Layers and layers of sediment packing down until the term becomes rock solid in meaning. Seemingly unmovable and unshakable.

For the past few years I have been holding my focus on exploring all that I am, getting to know and love who I am and how I function. Yet still the niggles of “not enough”, “lazy” and “useless” sneak their way back in. Insidiously they float in the crevices of the mind. Not truely having been addressed at the root, the poisonous trees leaves continue to grow.

Even for me, as someone who teaches self-inquiry and deeply understands how to deconstruct, process, transmute and recreate core beliefs, these thoughts re-emerge in the face of new and activating experiences.

In these moments we get true insight into how we function. The cyclical nature of our journey. The inevitability of re-encountering “old” narratives in new experiences.

Within this understanding has come an deeper awareness that true acceptance of our “shadow”, our “traumas”, our “difficulties” is how we “address the root”. Acknowledgement that all these “problems” are truely part of our whole. Not some part to “fix”, “be done with” or “change”. Rather an integration is required. A loving inclusion of these parts of self. They provide an insight, a lens, to our experience.

So to this point I now I say, welcome to these feelings of “unworthiness”, “laziness” and uselessness”. Welcome. Share with me your wisdom, teach me more about myself.